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Oct. 24th, 2013

To the three people on here:

I finished my 1st draft of my kids' book and I am looking for pre-readers. It's 2.5 typed pages. Anyone interested or know of anyone?


Aug. 2nd, 2013

Anything A Man Can do...

A woman, who just happened to be a gynecologist, took an automotive shop class because she was determined not to get ripped off by her mechanic for "being a woman". She enrolled and classes began. The weeks went by and she learned quite a bit about intake valves, timing belts, etc.
Then it was final exam time. The teacher told the class, "Your final will be to remove the carburetor from the engine, tear it apart, and then rebuild it." The woman worked frantically and finished before any of the men did. When the teacher graded everyone she got 150 and the men only got 100.
She confronted the teacher and demanded to know why she got 50 points higher. "I hope you didn't give me extra points just because I'm a woman. I don't need to be patronized!"
"Ma'am, I graded you the same as the others. You got 50 for tearing down the carburetor, 50 points for rebuilding it to a working condition and install."
"Well, where did the other 50 come from?"
"I gave you an extra 50 because you did it all through the tail pipe."


Dec. 29th, 2012


I saw two shirts I really want to get myself Jeffrey.

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Oct. 11th, 2012

(no subject)


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Sep. 8th, 2012

Stay Classy

My Bum is on the Cheese

There. I got the Tom Green reference out I can continue with this post.

Where to begin? Baby on the way and she's almost here. My church went through a rough patch and some people left, but now I have a sense of hope when I walk through the doors. God has put us in a position to grow; not only in numbers, but Spiritually as well. We will now have to move out of our comfort zones and be ready in whatever task is set before us.

I know I kind of glossed over the baby part, but I'm not the one who has to carry her around. I don't feel quite qualified to go into great detail. All I can say is that I'm excited and I hope I will be a good father to Clare as well. My wife does all the hard work, and she's been phenomenal during this pregnancy. I have noticed that I don't talk to Clare like I talked to Jeffrey. I hope it's just the 2nd child thing, where it's not new and you get complacent with kid #2 and so on.

I have another new supervisor at work. She's surprisingly good at her job. I've always classified her a crazy and I used to say I'd rather not work with her, but she's really good. I say she's crazy because on her desk there are several picture of her dog, a yorkie I believe, but there are no pictures of friends, family, boyfriends, anything! Plus she's attractive, never married, in her forties and still single. That usually adds up to two things: crazy or lesbian. Perhaps a crazy lesbian. It's the crazy part I was worried about, that and her being solely focused on her career. I usually do not trust anyone without a life outside of the warehouse. She's better than the boss I had before, and one of the four I had last year.
I am, however still stuck on nights.

Now we come to the part that references the subject line. If you remember the bum bum song you'll remember the line that rhymes with that is, "if I get lucky, I'll get a disease." I got luck and ironically it's somewhat related to my bum. Last month I got really sick after church. I started having real bad abdominal pains, chills, fever, weakness and I had no energy. I stuck it out and went to work the next day, but I fell asleep at my desk a few times and I had to stop and hold my stomach because of the pain. If you don't know me very well, me showing pain is a rare thing. I'm usually very stoic about it. When I got home I couldn't sleep and kellsta and I stayed up late and watched TV. By this time I had gained some energy, but lost my dinner. I started have "tummy problems" and my pains were still occurring and with greater intensity. Kelli turns to me and asks if I need to go to the ER and I say yes. Once my mom got here to watch the wee one, we were off the the hospital. I charmed the triage nurses, peed in a cup, got a CAT scan, wore an embarrassing gown, rode in wheel chairs, got an IV. I got the deluxe package. I also got some morphine, which made it hard to think and my brain couldn't function properly (or as close to properly as I get). To make matters worse my doctor was Indian (dots not feathers) and I could barely understand him sober; but on morphine my brain can't fill in the blanks, so I just agreed to whatever he said and asked my wife what I just agreed to. At first he thought I had diverticulitis, which I had a Holy Diver parody of in the works as soon as it came out of his mouth. After reviewing the CT, the doc diagnosed me with colitis, an infection of the colon. I was treated with drugs and released to go home. When we got home both mine and Kelli's moms were at the house. My MIL went to go get my meds, Kelli went to beds, and I sat in the cheds er chair. I recounted my tale to my mother, including the part where the CT tech asked me how I was doing, to which my mental response was, "I'm seeing you at work, what does that tell you, Dick Tracy". I had breakfast and waited for Jeffrey to get up. After Mimi left with Jeffrey I went to sleep for hours. I was back at work the next day and they sent me home because my pain pill was a narcotic. A week later I went to see my primary care physician, or as my call them in the south, my doctor, for a follow-up on the colitis and for the spot they found on my lung during the CAT scan. She seemed unconcerned about the spot and she referred me to a GI specialist. I went to see him and now I will have a camera shoved up my fundament in the near future. I am making a list of jokes to make once I come out from under anesthesia. Or is it "anus-tesia" *guffaw*. So please write back with your one-liners and wise-cracks (see what I did there?) and I will try to get them all in.

And no, the irony of a purveyor of scatological humor such as myself developing a colonic illness is not lost on me.

Jun. 25th, 2012

(no subject)

To quote Megatron, "I still function."

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Mar. 3rd, 2012

(no subject)

Yes, I am still alive. 

Jan. 28th, 2012

Stay on the Scene

Like a sex machine.

That is all.

Nov. 24th, 2011

Sandusky Blues

I'm not talking about Ohio; I'm talking about the coach from Penn State.

It's funny that I write this now since I've been holding Jeffrey for the past twenty minutes. Now I don't have all the facts in the case and my timeline might be messed up but I felt like weighing in on this subject.

I love sports and I like winning and I believe in taking care of your people. What I don't like is winning at any cost, acting like a prima donna, and covering up serious allegations. From what I've gathered from 1994 until 2009 Jerry Sandusky sexually abused around 40 young boys, some happening during his tenure at Penn State and some after; but most (if not all) happened on campus. The victims either kept quiet for a long time or their reports weren't acknowledged and this continued to happen. The transgressions finally came to light and now victims are coming out of the woodwork.

As a former youth football player I understand that there is a trust built around teams and locker rooms. There's also a closeness that resides amongst teams. I also under how precious children are and that their innocence is to be cherished and protected. Jerry Sandusky violated that trust and stole that innocence. Yes, I do believe he is guilty and I also support a very stiff penalty for sex offenders: castration.

The thing that really bothers me is everything else around the case. The inaction of the coaching staff and the administration, the protesting students defending the staff, and the rest of the media circus.

It seems to me that once the first accusation was brought forth the staff should have suspended Sandusky, conducted an inquiry, and perhaps GONE TO THE POLICE!!!!!!! If we as a society didn't exalt athletes as gods and put winning at any cost above taking care of each other, then perhaps this would never have happened. If we didn't guilt victims rather than the accused, perhaps this could have been stopped.

I've gotten flustered and can no longer express myself in coherrent thoughts. Here endeth the rant.

Nov. 4th, 2011

parental advisory, censorship, labels

GMX v3.0.1

I the Jason, order to form a more coherent thought took notes on my first con, or convention. Most of you were there!

As I write this, I must say that I will be coming from different perspectives throughout the post; sometimes all at once! First and foremost I am a man, then I am a husband and father, and I am also a self proclaimed geek. I also live a fairly normal life and am mostly conservative in my viewpoints. I try to keep an open mind, but somethings just don't jive with me. And yes, I am black enough to use that term.

No offense to mellymell, but I hate Nashville for some very basic reasons: I hate country music, they stole our NFL team and then was all condescending about it, and also they have a batman building and all we have is a crappy pyramid about to fall into the Mississippi river at any moment. However I was willing to suck it up and drive there just to attend this event for a day. N-town has gained some cool points on the Mr J scale of coolness. It ranks above Knoxville and just below toe jam now.

General Musings: The hotel was really easy to find, even though a parking spot wasn't. The restaurant we went to was good. They really needed more changing tables in the men's rooms. The registration booth was too close to the front door.

The Nitty Gritty
Once I hiked up the hill and sauntered into the lobby to find my wife and son I was ready to sit down and rest. I rested for all of 0.025 seconds and then off to the 10th floor. This is not code for anything, I meant the actual 10th floor. I was more than happy to sit down and watch amaz0n_princess play in the chess match, but I was soon drafted to be her pawn. Then was drafted again to be a pawn for the other side. We both died quickly, so we had that going for us. I was under the distinct impression that if I had known how to play chess I would have been seriously ticked off at the two yahoos calling the moves. I might have even given them their first swirly of the day. After saying my lame exit line kellsta and I gathered our child and his paraphernalia and headed downstairs to bid in the slave auction.
Once downstairs we found our way to the slave auction and sat as far back as we could. We even sat on an outside aisle so not to block everyone coming up the middle. Everyone went up the middle, but tried to come down the aisle we were on. Once they saw a stroller blocking the path, they changed course. Except for that one guy. he was dumb. Pop sensation Tiffany was the first up for bid. The Tiffany. And she went for 200 big ones. That's it. Of course to put it all in perspective, $200 is over half the f/x budget of her movies. Next I think it was the GMX girls who were the official hotties of the Geek Media Expo. I've dated hotter chicks and I even married one! Some authors went up for bid, one of them I would have totally bid on too! The playboy bunny went up for bid. That was fun. A bunch of skeevy dudes bidding on a woman. Something tells me they were used to paying to spend time with a female though. One of them even looked liked the type of guy that keeps women who've jilted him in high school in his freezer. He had his head tilted slightly downward, but he looked up at her from under his brow in a manner that was oh so creepy. She seemed rather vacuous and flighty, so either she really is dumb or she is playing the part expected of a porn model.
Next stop that I can remember was the panel for self publishing gurus. I really enjoyed what little of that panel I got to hear. Jeffrey was cool as long as he had something to play with or used Janine's lap as a slide, but he got cranky so he and I left. The stories we made up were way out there and rambled a bit, but they were really fun. They all be summed up by two words: marsupial pouch.
We found our way to a Doctor Who costuming panel which I found to be kind of dull, but I did see a girl dressed as Nightcrawler that I saw earlier. Jeffrey and I saw this girl while we were walking around and he was fascinated with her, probably because she was blue. He also saw this one zombie girl and decided to stroke her leg. To be fair, he's not even two and she had argyle stockings on. Her leg wasn't bad, it just wasn't fantastic; i mean I wouldn't have done it. But I digress. Once Kelli and I departed that panel we sat in the lobby and fed the boy some yogurt. While sitting there we tried to figure out why everyone was going upstairs and then coming right back down. As it turns out they had a portrait studio set up as well as a video game I've never heard of was being played on the big screen! Watching people play a video game is boring, the kind of boring that makes you want to start a fire in someone's hair; but taking pictures with your little boy priceless and fun!
After that we kind of hung around the vendors' area where Kelli got her hair braided by Janine and I think Mel helped. I was too busy pushing little bit around until he fell asleep. We hung out and then Juicebox woke up cranky and hungry so we left.
This trip was hard for me though. There were a lot of girls there in fishnet hose and boots, fishnet hose and pumps, and just plain fishnets. From a dude perspective it was surprisingly.... hotty-filled. Some of them costumes were down right sexy. Occasionally there was a costume that could have been sexy on someone else. There were also a lot of girls dressed as male characters. fortunately I could still tell that they were ladies. Of course there were also some androgynous people there and androgyny just plain pisses me off. But the most ironic costume I saw was the fat flash that was walking about. Notice I said walking, not running. There was also a girl who was rather flat chested who was dressed as Eclair from Kiddy Grade, a character known for her large "tracks of land".
All in all it was fun time with the only low points being fussy baby and the car smelling like pee on the way home the brevity of our stay. We got to meet some cool people like Mark Dos Santos, two Walking Dead zombies, John Wesley Shipp, the voices of Jem and Pazazz, mellymell</lj> and we finally got to meet amaz0n_princess in person. Next year we are going back and we just might stay over night.

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